Jeannie the Mombat of Wombat

I'm 85 years old and I'm Wombat's Mum. I spend most of my time going on holidays up and down the country and talking to people. Eee, I've just thought. On a desert island I wouldn't have to wear clothes, or have me hair permed. I could just wander about naked. That'd be lovely. If it got cold I could use a palm leaf. Actually, I'd need two or three. Wombat has out some YouTune thingies on so you can find them on the internets.

1) Moon River by Andy Williams
We used to have a tape-recording of a Sunday morning at home in the late Fifties. You could hear bacon frying, pots clinking, and Moon River playing on the radio. The whole family sang along, and it was a champion together moment. I've always been sad that we lost that tape.

2) Crazy by Patsy Cline
Because it has smashing words, not like your young folk's "bippety boppety up your bitch" songs that they have now. I like to sing this, and would be able to sing it loud on the island.

3) Some Enchanted Evening by Franksie Natra
I used to think he was called Franksie, ha ha. This song was playing down the corridor when Wombat was born. God I was in a right chuffing state. He was born dead, you know. "Ashfixated at birth" it said on his chart. Mind you, they soon brought him round and he was off. "UNGER UNGER!" he used to cry. The nurses didn't half laugh at that.

4) I Only Have Eyes For You by Dick Powell
This was our song - Wombat's dad and mine. He used to sing it to me all the time. He once sang it on a bus and the passengers all clapped. We still had to pay the fare though.

5) The Laughing Policeman by Charles Jolly
I'm sorry, these songs are in a funny old order. Will your internets friend Neil mind? No? Oh good. Is that a photo of him? He's good looking, isn't he? I wouldn't mind some of that haha! I'd GILF him hahaha! We used to think this song was the funniest thing ever in them days. Times have changed a lot. We played it on Mam's wind-up record player, on 78. We had that record and one other - "The Flies Crawled Up The Window".

6) A Bird in a Gilded Cage by Florrie Forde
My dad used to sing this to me when I was a girl, about eight years old. I'd sit on his knee and join in and he smelled of toffees. He was a lovely man, tall and funny. He was 27 years older than my mam (Wombat's Nan) and he died when I was 14.

7) I'll Be Your Sweetheart by Margaret Lockwood
Wombat's dad used to sing this to me as well, and my Dad when I was little. I missed my dad a lot. He was such a happy man. He used to drive the horse-drawn trams, and one time the horse kicked out all his teeth. He had a paralysed right hand, and a lame left foot due to scarlet fever. Never let it get him down though, he had such a cheery chuckle.

8) Love and Marriage by Franksie Natra
Well, first, I like it a lot as just a song, and it reminds me of good things. Second it was playing when Wombat's sister was born - now, she slipped out like a greased otter. And third, it was on the wireless when Baby Wombat was having a nuddy lie down and did a big wee that shot through the air in a golden arc and landed right on his Nan's cream bun that she'd bought herself specially. He was a powerful wee-er. I don't know if he still is.

9) O Sole Mio by Pavarotti
Oh I'm going back to Baby Wombat again now. When he was first feeding I had SUCH sore nipples - I can talk about 85 year old nipples, can't I? Anyway, whenever he started feeding in the maternity ward, I used to shout "ARSEHOLES...OH MIO...", it did give the other women a laugh. I had some special ointment to put on my boobs, but I could never persuade the doctor to put it on for me hahaha!

10) My Heart Tells Me by Nat King Cole
I sometimes sing at this hotel I visit a lot in Llandudno, and I like to sing this. It's a really fun song to sing and it would entertain me.